The Measure Of Wisdom, Words And Being Understood

It has been said that, "People don't speak to be heard, they speak to be understood." I was reminded of this recently when I read those words on a friends facebook wall. For some reason this time reading that phrase made me stop and mull it over, and while pausing I considered what it really meant. The conclusion I came to is, there is a huge amount of truth in this simple sentence after reflecting on my own experiences of being understood or misunderstood.. People  speak so others get who they are and identify with them. When someone tells their spouse you never listen to me, what they're really saying is, You don't sense what's bothering me. You don't hear the meaning of my words. How do they know their spouse hasn't made sense of what they have tried to tell them? Because of words, the response they received, what was said back to them or the lack of what was said. When what they have said is interpreted  correctly by their spouse there is a recognition in their spirit of understanding. There is something to be said  about confiding in another who identifies with you and grasps the essence of  your words.You know they have a knowledge of what you mean and they get the picture. You may even have uttered the words, Exactly, that's exactly how I feel!

I think as individuals we have a need to have others perceive us correctly. To know others deduce with clarity who we are. It's comforting when someone has a distinct understanding and recognizes what we're feeling. Then we feel heard. Being understood can comfort, defuse an angry situation, resolve a matter, make one feel heard, loved, and appreciated. What good is speaking words if no one understands you? Making sense of what is said is important and good listening skills are vital to be able to do that. Have you ever tried talking to someone who is thinking of what they want to say next and doesn't take the time to hear what you are saying  to them? It can make you think you'd get further by beating your head against a brick wall.  You can talk until you are blue in the face, but they just don't get it. Then on the other hand there are those individuals who have an ability to sense what you're trying to say. They identify with you and you know they get the picture! So much so at times that when you find yourself stumbling and looking for the right words to express yourself they can say just what you yourself are trying to get across! These  individuals have such insight and hear not only the words, but the message spoken by the one who uttered them. They always seem to  leave you feeling understood.  They have the knack of drawing out of you what you feel and mean and want to say. That my friends is a hugely important skill and not everyone has that ability. When someone instinctively knows how to accomplish that and you talk with them you find yourself nodding and thinking, YES, YOU understand, YOU get ME!

 There have been times I have had a conversation with someone who didn't possess the skills of listening and understanding and I've come away from those conversations frustrated.  I've actually had conversations with individuals who rush in to give advice and assume they know how I feel or what I was going to say before I finished speaking. They didn't bother to attentively listen to what I was saying. They heard the words, but they didn't comprehend their meaning because they had a preconceived idea of what they thought I was thinking.

           If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13

 Those kind of conversations give rise to an anxious feeling and strong desire to get them to see, to understand! The more I try to explain my point the more apparent it becomes they don't understand and just don't get it. I've slowly, over the years, come to realize it's usually best in those circumstances to STOP! Because experience tells me they probably aren't going to perceive correctly just because I repeat myself over and over. Scripture admonishes, Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. Matthew 13:13

WOW! Making sense of what is said in a conversation is so important to gaining wisdom and wisdom is tied to understanding! A portion of wisdom is gained by being quick to listen and being conscious of what others are attempting to say. By heeding what is said and paying attention. Hearing with more than just our ears.  What good is wisdom if we don't get the picture? It's important to take time to improve listening skills. Stop and take time and hear what we are being told.. To actively build the skill of learning to interpret what others are saying we need to hone those auditory skills and put them into action.. It's annoying to talk and not have others make sense of what you've told them. Sometimes  because they weren't paying attention. To understand you have to actively participate and you can't participate if you don't focus on what's being shared. We need to stop and take time to really listen closely, instead of being concerned primarily with what we are going to say next. We need to listen closely, so we don't come to the wrong conclusion and misspeak.

2 Corinthians 5:10-11 For we must appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

I think the above scripture pretty much raises before us the standard we need to adhere to when weighing how important listening and understanding are according to God's measuring stick.

When Life Hands You A Crisis

A few years ago I would never have thought I would be writing a post like this, but here I am. This post doesn't have a lot to do with homeschooling, but how we've dealt with a crisis we faced while homeschooling. A little over three years ago our family went through a monumental, life changing experience. We are living in the aftermath of that time today and finally coming out of the dark valley. There are blessings we encounter everyday and we are thankful for them.

Yet I want to be perfectly frank when I say I do not hold with the old adage that God will never allow us more than we can bear. That is not Biblical. I have certainly felt I have been allowed more than I can bear at times. Several times in fact. The first is when I lost my first husband, then when my dad died and last was a few years ago. It's arrogant to believe we will never be allowed more than we can bear. To me, saying that is akin to believing one doesn't need God. Because one hasn't faced mind numbing grief or anything that can't be bared on our own. Or somehow managed to muddle through on our own, but how much more comfort, how much less pain could we have been spared if we gave up control? It's those times when I have been brought to my knees that I have been drawn closer to the Lord and relied on Him more than ever. In fact hearing, God will never allow us more than we can bear, during times of grief and crisis caused me to feel exasperated.  It made me feel like something was wrong with me because I felt like I was drowning in the initial throws of the crisis. I certainly felt like God HAD allowed me more than I could bear on my own. It most definitely was more than I could face by myself.

Reaching out to my life preserver, my Lord was what kept me from sinking. Not being strong in my own right. I was strong because I was leaning on the Lord. On my own I was weak.  I was able to persevere because of my faith in Jesus. Oh, but so many times I felt so alone. So many times when I needed a human touch, some heart felt compassion, some wise words of hope, what I got was, God will never allow us more than we can bear. Well I was being crushed, my spirit weighed down, my heart heavy with grief. The next words you read are from words recorded in my journal during that time.

                                                      Where are my stretcher bearers?

When you face a long period of continual stressful events that keep coming one after another in a huge barrage do you find yourself surrounded by miserable comforters? Do you feel like Job or Job's wife? Or sometimes a little of both? Does it seem like a huge blessing to make it five more minutes? To be able to breath and even take a breath? When your world is turned upside down do you find blessings in the simplest and tiniest things? Do you ever wonder what it's like to walk a path that is full of excruciating hurt and pain and to feel like everyone has deserted you except God and sometimes it feels like even he is a little distant? And in all that pain and hurt and discouragement do you find yourself focusing only on your own troubles and getting impatient with others who don't seem to care or understand? Are you envious of others seeming joy and fun and carefree times?  Do you wonder how people pick themselves up and keep going when the going gets so hard it's an almost impassable path? Why will no one let me grieve what I have lost and feel it's blackness and the hurt? Why are they so frightened of it? Why do they tell me I don't have to be strong all the time and yet if I crumble and fall apart they become extremely uncomfortable? Why are they always spouting wisdom and yet not giving what I need most a loving, compassionate and empathetic ear and shoulder? Why are they long on advice and so short on giving comfort? Why can they not accept there are some things they just aren't going to know about?

 Our middle daughter has been in prison for a little over three years. I will never forget the first visit when she was in jail. I sobbed uncontrollably. Then the first visit once she was transferred to prison. I was terrified to go alone, but I did. It was fear of the unknown. Once I got to the prison though other visitors showed me the ropes. I had no idea I couldn't wear jewelery, a watch, take my purse in or could only take in one key.  I didn't even realize the quarters I brought for the vending machines had to be taken out of their wrappers. Thankfully other visitors informed me and helped me learn how to do things.  I've learned over the years to take our blessings where we find them. Getting to see my daughter on Mother's day, sharing my birthday with her this year during a visit, guards that are kind all mean so much and we count them as blessings. Having funds to send her so she can purchase needed items, getting to talk to her by phone, getting cards from her, her being accepted into the mentoring program etc. When she went to work in the prison clinic some of the guards and staff got to know her better. She was no longer a nameless, faceless prisoner with a number. She was a person deserving of being treated with dignity. All these things are blessings.

Our world was turned upside down a little over three years ago, but we have been blessed. I have had my world turned upside down and I have walked a path of excruciating pain, but I have made it many times more than five minutes since then. I have been afforded opportunities to reach out to others of incarcerated loved ones. My impossible path has been made passable. Instead of looking and wailing for a stretcher bearer I have tried to be a stretcher bearer for others. Others I wouldn't have spoken to or took the time of day for before I now see through new eyes. I am ashamed that I used to feel that way.  I can still remember thinking as I looked around during that first prison visit, other than their clothes the women here look like anyone on the street. There was a variation of people visiting. Obviously well-to-do, street-wise, farm people, those with tattoe and piercings, city folk, hippie types, poor, middle class, grandparents, parents, children, babies, handicapped, aunts, uncles, husbands etc. Each with a loved one in prison. Each prisoner with a story and every one in that room with family that loved them.

 What I have found is that people are people. If you take away the faceless mask of judgment and make it personal they will begin to understand. If you want people to change you have to be willing to change first. I've learned that sometimes doing the right thing is hard, but it's still always right. I've learned that sometimes I don't want to do the right thing, but I strive to do it because it is pleasing to the Lord. I've learned that joy and hope are contagious. I've learned that a negative spirit can poison not just my outlook, but others as well. I've come to understand where God leads me will not always be acceptable to the world, but I am not of this world. I've had to face the fact that in this life I will have things I go through and suffer that are more than I can bear. But I can bear them because of Christ. I've come to understand and embrace a moment is fleeting and I can face all things through Christ.

Allowing myself rest and to be able to say no is not a luxury or being lazy. Sometimes it;s necessary. A slower pace doesn't mean failure. As long as I keep moving forward and don't give in to self pity. Thinking on good and helpful things is helpful. If my focus wavers and doesn't stay steady then I veer off from the straight path. I've learned it's okay to allow myself to grieve and it's okay to need help. I've allowed myself to step back from toxic people in my life especially when they effect my spiritual walk. I've learned that journaling the Word has been a huge help to me. It helps me see the areas of growth in my life during a crisis. I've learned that sometimes having no words when I pray and just sobbing or crying out to the Lord is a language he understands even if I don't know what I need at the time. I've learned I can face  whatever comes with confidence because of my Lord, whether our daughter receives an early parole or has to serve her full sentence. God is still in control!

At the beginning of this crisis experience I had no idea what a learning experience this would be for me. What a time of eye opening vision and growth of compassion for those locked away from society. Years ago I painted a saying on my living room wall. It says, Today's trials are tomorrow's testimonies. I feel we are sometimes allowed to go through some things in life so we can learn to be more understanding. To gain a better insight of a situation we have closed our mind and eyes and heart to. We are allowed to see things from the other perspective because this gives us understanding to help in a way we never would have been able to comprehend before. With God at the helm and leading I feel confident that we and our daughter will have a great testimony that will help others. We may have times of sorrow now, but joy will come in the morning and with it a great testimony of God's goodness and grace in times of crisis. 

One of my favorite pictures of me with my five older kids. In order from oldest to youngest. This was taken about a year pre-crisis. My middle daughter is the one in the red t-shirt. Isn't she a beautiful young woman? All my kids are pretty spectacular I think and all gifts from God!


You might be interested in this blog post from a wonderful blogger. She shares her heart. Read the message in Jamerrill's own words. Here's her story.